Helpless

It's been almost 2 months since my last post. The entire month of April was, happening i would say. And the first 2 weeks of May, needless to say.

April was the Corporate Entry Program. The training for all new company members. As in ALL. Which includes approximately 700+ of Japanese. Altogether for this training. Thus, it was a time where the global recruits could finally mingle and interact with the young Japanese (have been with mostly teachers or seniors or se-seniors) people. Yea, the chics too.
For what it's worth, it was quite an experience. Not entirely sweet; but nevertheless precious.
For the past so many years, i've been pretty much the little leader almost everywhere i went. Trust me when i say i am not boasting; just trying to describe how i felt back then.
St. Johns, CF, Class, HG, uni CF, assignments, projects. Half the time was not by choice.
But the real point is; i've always been the one contributing. And lots of them.

But for this CEP, for the first time; i felt helpless. The language barrier had (and is still) a much larger impact than i first expected. The incapability to comprehend the situation and scenarios forced me to be the parasite to the group most of the time. Worst still; i'm the class leader of 30 members. It isn't just the feeling of being an alien; but the feeling of being the one sidelined when everyone else is working hard towards achieving the shared goal. And it wasn't my choice; sometimes i just couldn't help. And that feeling, hurts much more than i thought.

And today, since i came to this foreign land; i don't seem to remember what does it feel like anymore, to live a fulfilling life.